Living with a heavenly perspective

As believers we can often assume that when things 'fall into place' or when our circumstances line up, God must be in it, that we are in His will at that moment. Firstly, by definition, this means that when things are difficult or don’t go the way we want them to, whether consciously or not, we are believing that God isn’t in it. Secondly, in making such an assumption we can miss the purposes of Heaven in that situation.

Consider Joshua as he was about to attack Jericho and he met the Lord: "Joshua went up to him and asked, “Are you for us or for our enemies?” “Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.” ( Joshua 5:13:14) Joshua made the assumption that the heavenly being he met was either for him or he was for the opposition. I’m sure Joshua must have been surprised when the man replied “Neither.”

Heaven has a perspective that sometimes we just don't see or even consider. Like Joshua, we can assume that God is for us and He comes to fulfill our plans, when the Lord has something else in mind - seeing Heaven come to Earth. We can become consumed with our circumstances and with seeking the results that we want, like Joshua believing that God will deliver those results for us.

Whilst is true that God is for us, He also tells us that He 'works all things together for good for those who love Him' and that 'in all these things we are more than conquerors'. The 'things' spoken about in these lines from Romans 8 can be translated as ‘absolutely everything’. In absolutely every circumstance, absolutely every situation that we find ourselves, God is working for good.

“We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their (our) labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.” Romans 8:28 AMP.

Our friend Max.

If we love God we can be assured that absolutely every circumstance is working for our good. It might not look like we had planned, it might not look like the desire in our hearts, it may even look disastrous in a natural sense, but in loving Him we can be confident that He is using those circumstances for good.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Proverbs 19:21 NIV.

And so, having pursued the desires of our hearts in coming to America, desires for community, desires to share our lives with those we love and who love God, desires to make a home in this amazing nation, we find ourselves returning to the UK with none of those desires having been met. Does that mean God is not for us? By no means! Does that mean that He doesn’t want to give us the desires of our hearts? Not at all! He loves us beyond measure and His heart for us is only good, His desire that His goodness be displayed for His glory in our lives.

When David prays in Psalm 20:4 “May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” It’s not a promise, it’s a request and David goes on in verse 7 to say “ Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” That’s the key - trusting Him when our plans don’t succeed, trusting Him when He doesn’t give us the desires of our heart, trusting Him when it hurts enough to bring us to tears. Trusting that even in the failure, the disappointment and the pain, He loves us and He is working for good.

If we can learn to embrace the pain, to trust in God’s love for us, to recognise His goodness toward us, to surrender to His will, and like James to ‘consider it pure joy’ whatever our circumstances look like, not only will we receive the ultimate reward (the crown of life!), but the journey itself becomes our reward.

Battered and bruised as we feel, physically and emotionally exhausted as we are by the journey, and though it has literally cost us everything, we can unequivocally say that we trust in Him.

The last nine months have been very painful, we have been in a fiery furnace and, even when we thought it couldn't get any hotter, the angel in charge of the furnace, turned up the heat! Papa has stripped, burnt, humbled, consumed. He has emphatically answered our prayers of 'not my will, but yours be done'. It has happened in the secret place, in the darkness, within the mundane of four walls. This hasn't been a holiday that's for sure!

We head back to the UK as weary, ragamuffin pilgrims, feeling the effects of the furnace, yet we leave feeling peace, faith and hope, for He is incredibly good and His wisdom is perfect, even when we don't understand. There is such a relief, such a peace that invades at the place of surrender, at the place of having given up our rights, of choosing 'His will' above our own. There is a sweetness in having been broken by His fiery hand that is beyond explanation. As Graham Cooke puts it, ‘We kiss the hand that hurts, because it is true and perfect in love.'

We don't know what or where is next, but we know Papa has it covered, utterly, completely, wholly covered. He has not once abandoned us, not once turned away and He never will. He always makes a way, He always comes through for us. So we return in expectant hope, knowing that He who is faithful loves us beyond comprehension and has good and perfect plans for us.

Mike & Nicky
xxx

Stormy Weather

Just before we left to return to England from North America last October, a friend gave me a word about entering a storm. She also gave me a small wooden cross as a reminder of what to cling to during the storm. I had also recently been to a production telling the story of an Irish monk named St Brendan who set out to sea in a little Coracle boat and trusted the Lord to take him through wind and wave wherever his destiny ordained. My friend was right and I had no idea how the story of St Brendan would speak to me over the next months. The storm began pretty much as we left North America and has been raging fierce and sometimes calmer ever since!

I have been pondering the storm and its effects over the past few weeks, pondering how we, as followers of Jesus, navigate the storms of life, how are we to ride the 'perfect' storm? How do we remain in victory through the storm? What does it look like to come through the storm without losing hope and remaining steadfast?

St Brendan set out in a Coracle, a tiny basin of a boat made of wood, a boat with no sails. He was entirely at the mercy of the weather, the tides and the waves. I have been told that the best thing for sailors to do during a fierce storm is take the sails down and allow the storm to navigate the course. Fighting the storm can cause more damage to the boat and sails and render it useless once the storm abates. Sailors trust the storm, they surrender to it and rely on getting through it. I keep returning to this place, to the need for surrender, to trust the One behind the storm. Although all I hear is wind, all I feel is lashing rain, the dark clouds press in all around and I have no idea when the storm will end, I need to trust the One who IS in control of it. I need to trust that He sends me along a watery path that is exactly and perfectly where I need to go.

Somedays during this lengthy storm of mine, I have been able to snuggle next to Jesus and sleep as he did during the storm on the lake. Somedays I have paced, I have shouted for Him to wake up and calm it. Somedays I have simply clung to the cross praying silently for rescue and to be saved from drowning. Somedays I have seen the sun break through the clouds and have felt its warmth on my skin, time to dry out as the sea has calmed and the noise has abated. I take deep, restorative breaths in these moments and enjoy what they bring.

I recently listened to a great podcast from Danny Silk at Bethel Church in Redding CA. in it he told a children's story that was written about one of his sons called "One of those days". His son was young at the time and still at primary school and in this day everything went wrong - he got up late, dropped his bagel on the way out the door, forgot his sports kit, had to stay in during recess. Finally his mum got called in to pick him up from school and as he got into the car with her, he braced himself for the telling off. But his mum simply said "rough day hey?" and they drove to the grocery store. Whilst there, his mum looked at him and said "I'm so proud of you", he huffed a response and they carried on. Twice more during the ride home his mum said the same thing to him until finally he began to believe it and the shame and heaviness of what he had been feeling lifted and he was able to laugh with his mum knowing how much he was loved.

Our storms often feel like 'one of those days' in which we're just getting it all wrong and bumbling our way through the wind and rain. It is so easy for shame and heaviness to set in but Papa is there, right there, closer than air, taking our head in his gentle hands and saying "I'm so proud of you". He loves us through the storm, pure, simple, powerful love that keeps no record of wrongs. Religion might measure how well we navigate the storm, keeping score of good days and bad - ticks and crosses. That is not the heart of Papa God. He knows storms are a messy business! He loves us through the raging seas and is not concerned with our response. He is concerned with loving us more fiercely than raging circumstances and telling us how well we're doing, how amazing we are! He never once abandons us.

He has a plan, a great plan that He is forging through the storm. All storms end and as we keep hope, as we cling, as we yield through them we are transformed and transported to new places in Him. I'm not sure when  my stormy weather will finally break, but I know it will. I believe that Jesus is good always, faithful always and kind always. He knows my heart, He understands me fully and loves me beyond imagining. So I can wait, I can ask for rescue and I can trust knowing that the sun will come out.

Oh, and one final thought... In the Narnia film "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader", Reepicheep sailed into Aslan's country in a Coracle. It was His means of transport into a new, perfect and glorious realm where the deepest desires and longings of his heart would be met.

In the darkness

Well, this journey is nothing if not exciting! As many of you will know, before Christmas we had been planning to go to Sri Lanka then on to New Zealand. You may also know that this didn’t happen! We didn’t get the provision we needed to make the trip and so we found ourselves traveling back to Devon to spend Christmas near to family and friends. It wasn’t that we ever had clear direction or a direct promise from God for this particular trip, however we do know that our travels are not over, that we have more connections to make and things to learn on our journey.

And so we stepped out, following our heart's desire to be with friends in Sri Lanka, believing that the door would open, but also totally prepared for God to direct our path and change the direction in which we were setting out. We also wanted to speak, think and act from a place of faith regarding this desire, so we traveled to London without money for flights but believing that, if Sri Lanka was where God wanted us, He would get us there even though it looked impossible. Ultimately the door remained closed, and we don’t profess to understand why, nor do we expect others to understand, but we do know He has used the journey to forge faith and trust in us yet again!

One thing this experience has taught us is that it’s easy to think that when circumstances line up and things seem to fall into place, God must be in it. Equally, it can be tempting to think that when things don’t go the way we expect or plan, when things look messy, that God is not in it. To us, and to many people looking on, these last few weeks have seemed very messy, but we believe that God has been in it and He continues to use our outward circumstances to transform us within.

 As the door closed to Sri Lanka, another door opened to Germany - so we are going to walk through it! Last April we connected with some lovely people at a great church in Duisburg, near Dusseldorf, and have kept in touch with them since. They have graciously opened their hearts and their homes to us and we know a warm welcome awaits. However we leave not knowing where this will ultimately lead, or for how long we might be there, but simply holding Papa's hand and trusting Him to make the path clear with each step.

It's been quite a journey since we arrived back in England at the beginning of November. Before we left America we had both had visions of Papa leading us deeper into the darkness, not into a place of fear or danger, but into a place that would require more trust and dependency upon Him. We had words from others too which echoed the visions we had, as Holy Spirit was gently and graciously preparing us for this tough and challenging time.

During this time not only have we continued to feel a deep sense of loss of things past and things we have given up, the cost of following Him, but we also recognise that we have given up belonging. We find ourselves without the security, comfort, acceptance, worth, fellowship and sense of belonging that emerges as lives intersect within the context of a local community. We feel a sense of 'rootlessness' and not fitting. For us right now our community is made up of people dotted all over the globe, not found in one place. It’s an odd feeling and drives us deeper into intimacy with God, to find our place of belonging, our home in Him above all else.

As we enter this new year we remain largely in the dark, sometimes to our own frustration and the perplexity of many of those looking in. We don't know why it’s like this, but we have given up any right to understanding, instead choosing to trust and believe. We abide in the ‘nowhere’ (now and here) of the moment, a place of believing without seeing, of loss without gain, of stepping out without seeing the road stretched out ahead of us. It looks to the world like foolishness, and somedays it can feel like foolishness to us too, but we cannot turn back and nor would we want to.

We trust this pilgrims way and the One we follow, the One who forges the path ahead of us. We are incredibly grateful for those we meet along the way, and to those who journey with us in friendship, support, encouragement and love. We rest in confident expectation of His kindness and goodness as we learn to embrace all things, knowing that He is working in them for good and that He carries us close to His heart. Most of all we are grateful that we are loved by Him and that all our tomorrows are written in Papa's book.

Thank you to those of you who remember us in your prayers, our desire is that you would echo Paul’s words in Colossians 1:9-12 in your own prayers for us, as this is also our prayer for you:

“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.”

Happy New Year to you all. May you know His love and presence wherever the year takes you and may it be a wild and glorious adventure!

Mike & Nicky
xxx

Beyond the shadow of doubt

 We landed in the UK as October gave way to November, and the warm weather of North America gave way to the cold and damp of England. Our trip had been rich with treasure. Not of the monetary kind, though we found generosity and love as we followed our favour across the continent and back, but in the form of precious friendships and a bounty of prophetic words and promises from Papa. Before we left back in April, God had made it clear that a significant part of our trip was to be about the connections we made, His purpose was reticulation, connecting us in to the body of Christ, and this was most definitely our experience. The rich promises He spoke into our lives, through many prophets and prophetic words, were also clearly part of His divine purpose.

As we travelled, we continued to seek God each day, as has been our practice for the last three years or more, enjoying His presence in the moment, as well as seeking wisdom and revelation about His destiny and purpose for our lives. We may not have changed outwardly, apart from a few extra pounds (Mike) and longer hair (Nic), but we are acutely aware that we have been, and continue to be, transformed by the renewing of our minds. Papa has been so gentle and kind as He has led us on the path of preparation for what is to come.

And so we find ourselves back in our home country, but without a home of our own. It’s a situation that has proven challenging, but once again God has gently been encouraging us to make our home in Him wherever we find ourselves in the world. We also have a sense of not fitting in the UK, not right now anyway. It’s a strange and somewhat disconcerting feeling, when we have spent 40+ years of our lives here, but once again we can see God’s hand at work, for we believe He is calling us on and that now is not the time for us to settle back here. In fact, God had told us that we have more ‘spices’ to collect on our travels, to add to those He has already given us, before the recipe is complete. In this sense, our journey has been and continues to be, like a school, training us for the life in ministry (for want of a better word!) that He is calling us to.

We have been visiting family and friends in London and Devon since our return, and are planning to spend time in Wales and Scotland before we leave the country again. Our intention is to leave for Sri Lanka to visit friends there for a few weeks, before going on to New Zealand, again to stay with friends for up to six months, followed by South and North America. Though we will be travelling once more, this stage will look a little different as we aim for a more settled existence in each location - to enable Mike to find a daily rhythm in which he can write (something Papa has been on his case about!) and in order to experience community in a way that constant movement from one place to another doesn’t allow for.

All of which brings us pretty much up to date. Our journey has been one of ruthless trust, of learning to depend on Papa, because He is totally dependable. We have felt an increasing call to lives lived in faith for our every need, not just because the funds from our house sale have slowly dwindled to the point now where they have been used up, but because we believe He is able to meet our every need. For us, and we recognise that such a path is not for everyone, this means not seeking paid employment, but continuing to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, trusting that all these other things will be added.

Our journey of learning to trust has not just been about trusting God, but also about learning to trust that we hear from Him, that as His beloved children in relationship with Him, He speaks to us. Not in a booming voice, not in the wind or the earthquake, but, like Elijah, in the gentle breeze. Our plans to continue our travels are not in response to a loud and clear command but a quiet invitation. We are choosing to believe that we have heard His voice and that, in spite of our circumstances and lack of finances as we write, He will meet us with the provision we need as we step out in faith.

We are excited as we anticipate with confident expectation our Papa providing for us. It’s not an easy path to tread, but a daily choice to persevere and let our beliefs determine our experience, rather than the other way around. And so we wait patiently, for the most part, and in the waiting God continues the process of transforming us, shaping us, preparing us for all that He has for us in our lives and all that He wants to do through our lives.

Mike & Nicky

xxx

A journey of ruthless trust

Mrs P with Robert & Susan Young and some of their delightful family

So... we arrived in Harrisburg PA, to stay with more new friends in John & Magy Comeaux and their wonderful family, in expectation of  encountering Jesus at the Zoe conference at Life Center. Apart from a night with food poisoning from a good ol' American diner, our expectations were met and more besides. Georgian & Winnie Banov were hosting the event, with Benjamin & Stephanie Dunn, and teaching us the gospel according to Paul! This is a message we've been ravenously devouring for the past couple of years, and it's a very different gospel to the one we've heard for most of our Christian lives! It was so good to hear it again from such joy-filled people who are truly living in the fullness of life that the gospel promises. This pure, non-religious, non-churched message is so incredibly liberating and life giving. It is simple and completely effortless, and awakens the senses to such joy, peace and intoxication – far too good to be true! We recommend reading the Happy Gospel by Benjamin Dunn, or listening to his podcasts on www.joyrevolution.com to find out more :)

At Radnor Lake, Franklin, TN we saw this and many other deer,

including the cutest little fawn with its mother - wonderful!

We enjoyed Life Center church on Sunday morning, including lights and smoke machines during worship – great fun! Then on Monday we drove 13 hours through beautiful countryside to be re-united with our long-term and special friends Chris & Laura Dupre in Franklin, TN. How wonderful to be with them again. We've enjoyed hanging here with them for a couple of weeks, during which Mike has also made the long trip to Texas and back, to visit his friend Blain, who he first met at a Wild at Heart Boot Camp in Colorado a couple of years ago. He had a great time and we hope to visit there together before the end of our trip.

Blain & Doris Eubank's ranch, Canadian, Texas

On Tuesday this week we head off again, to North Carolina, staying with friends Chris & Amy that we met in Harrisburg, and for a few days at Amy's mother's lodge at Moravian Falls, on the mountain renowned for its angelic activity!  From there we go back to Stroudsburg, PA to be with Robert & Susan again, and hang out at The Alabaster Box, before driving to Toronto to begin a 3 week Leadership School of Ministry at Catch the Fire.

 The Alabaster Box on Main in Stroudsburg, PA

(For the 80's music lovers among you,
notice The Blue Oyster Cult playing at the theatre next door!!)

Our trip continues to be a journey of ruthless trust, which at times is proving very uncomfortable. We are challenged daily to act as if the Bible is really true – well duh, of course it's true we hear you say! But I realise how many times I have read Matthew 6, where I am commanded not to worry, that all my needs will be taken care of, only to find myself anxious that there will not be enough; or that though Jesus healed every sickness on the cross, I am battling illness; or that I have been given life in all its fullness and through the cross have been given joy in every circumstance, only to find that I am feeling blue and life-less. We feel such a hunger to believe all that the Bible says and all that Jesus has freely given, and we know we need to be ruthless in this belief.


The other day I decided to change my watch from my left wrist to my right – it felt alien and strange, and I kept looking at my empty wrist to tell the time! Well, this journey feels a little like that – it's a huge renewing of the mind, transforming us to believe the true gospel, the gospel Paul preached, and to live as he did. It feels uncomfortable, odd, but in time, as we keep believing and acting as if the Bible is absolutely true, it starts to feel natural. Out of habit I'm still putting my watch on my left wrist, only to realise what I've done half way through the day, and I still don't really like how it feels on the other wrist, but if I stick with it, it will feel like its always been there.


I think about changing my watch over, and feel like it was a prophetic act of something God is wanting to do with all of us. He is bringing so many out of the grip of religious, 'churchianity' and leading us to drink in the 'bliss of realisation' of the true gospel. He is bringing more and more into amazing encounters with Him and His Kingdom. He is opening eyes to heaven and all that it contains. There is a generation emerging of wild lovers who are not concerned with the worlds ways, but only His. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable, but I am convinced it is His invitation which is being extended to all. Through the cross we are in union with Jesus, merged with Him. We areh in Him, He is in us. Heaven is in Him, and so we are in Heaven. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me (Galatians 2:20). As we believe this incredible truth, things dramatically change, we get drunk on the grace of His love and all things become possible. This is how I want to live even when, like today, it feels uncomfortable and my faith is blind.


We still don't know where this American odyssey is leading, but we do believe Papa is right here in the midst of it, guiding our steps, providing for our needs and increasing our joy every day. We miss friends and family and are so grateful for those that journey with us in spirit. We are convinced that there is more for all of us than we could ever dream possible, and if we only believe, that we will live lives beyond all imagining.

Much love.

Nicky xxx

On the eve of departure

It's the eve of our departure to Canada, the day we thought would never come. Bags packed (travelling light amazingly!), tickets booked, old friends waiting, new friends to be made. It is another step along the unknown path. This journey of daily trust, daily surrender, leaning on Jesus. Only He knows what lies ahead and the treasures He has waiting for us to find. My heart is settled having come through a wobble when the house actually sold and I feel ready for the next step in this adventure. Papa has shown Himself faithful over and over and He will not divert from His promises. He will remain true to His word and faithful to His plans.

Already the journey is unexpected. We were in Germany last week – a last minute invitation to get involved with a conference in Duisburg near Dussledorf. We had the time of our lives. The conference was wild - a riot of Holy Spirit drunkenness and masses of fun! The cloud of His presence was strong and many were touched deeply. Salvations and healings broke out on the streets as the glory of heaven invaded and many were hijacked by love. We met incredible people – amazing that on Monday you don't know someone and by Friday you love them! Papa met with us too with deeper revelation of His love, with words of encouragement for what is to come, through prophecy. Truly loved up by the God who loves like no other.

I had a vision of Jesus the lion standing in front of me roaring and as He did my skin was blown off – shedding the old to reveal the new. The next day we found ourselves called to the front with a handful of other couples receiving a word about our old mantles being taken off and new ones being put on. We were not to look back but to live in the new. Great preparation at the start of this new adventure :) We fell in love with Germany – the place and the people and we hope to return.

Next step Canada for 3 months and then into America in August. Not what we had planned. Again I discover that my plans and expectations need a constant willingness to surrender to His and I love it. I have a fierce hunger growing in me to be resolute in my trust, resolute with my gaze, to have nothing but Jesus and to follow no-one but Him. I am more aware than ever that just a little leaven affects the whole loaf. I either trust wholly or I am not trusting. It may look ridiculous to the world and even to the church it could appear utterly foolish, but I don't care! For this is the path I choose and I want to walk further along it. I want to get completely lost on it, go so deep that I don't find my way back to normal or comfortable.

I know this is His path and we are all invited onto it whether we are travelling, working or raising children. This unknown path is beyond beautiful. It is fragranced with heaven itself , it is lined with angelic presence, it is made of the colours of the Kingdom and there are daily treasures to be found. Joy is common on this path – a joy that pervades any circumstance and can laugh in any adversity. And those that travel it are true companions – those that love deeply and wildly and cheer you along at every step!

So bring it on! Deeper I am pulled into the heart of love. Not a work of my own doing, but of grace. The grace to trust, the grace to lean, the grace that calls me His. We have no idea what is to come but we go willingly and excitedly because He is good and totally trustworthy.

Nicky xxx

True rest

 

I have suffered with insomnia for many years and come to accept tiredness as the norm. I've pretty much just got on with life, managing things around my lack of sleep. In the past few weeks however, my lack of sleep has taken on a whole new dimension - with night after night of as little as 2 hours sleep. As a result I got myself into a bit of a tiz! Another way to describe a bit of a tiz is fear, anxiety, what if? In desperation I facebooked friends to ask for prayer.

That same morning Papa de-tizzed me! A couple of friends had responded to my request with a gentle reminder of rest. Not simply the physical rest of doing little, but the wonderful, addictive, intoxicating rest that comes through the finished work of the cross. The deep rest that comes from trusting Jesus and all that He has given. Jesus has finished it, completed the work – He has given me everything in fullness.

My inheritance is wildly rich and contains way more than I could ever need or want. I can rest in in the truth that He has already given it, done it all to me and for me. What a relief, what a deep satisfying sigh this brings to my being! The fullness has been given. Even my ability to believe it and see it manifest in my life is up to Him. He is the one who renews my mind and transforms me to believe.

During the de-tizzing process, another gentle invitation came “beloved, do you trust me?” This question, as it always does when it comes, hits somewhere deep within me, it hits the fear and I realise that in this place I have walked out from under the finished work of the cross, I have stopped believing that He has done it all and given all. The thing is, it's very difficult to rest without trust! What peace then, my decision to trust Him in this brings, another deep sigh, phew! He has it all covered, completely and utterly sorted. I know this affliction will end because my inheritance is deep, restorative sleep. As I wait though, to experience healing, there are great treasures in this darkness and He will see to it that I find them.

I'm not fighting any more, I'm not fighting sleep if it comes in the day and I'm not fighting wakefulness if it comes in the night. In fact I am getting to LOVE my times of being awake in the small hours when all else sleeps and everything is still. In it, He is knocking the 'fight' out of me and causing a greater trusting dependency on His constant goodness. I am discovering another, deeper place of rest and it is wonderful.

Trust is addictive, rest is addictive, drinking deeply and feasting on what He has done and given is addictive. I cannot live any other way. When I choose His way, joy becomes a constant regardless of circumstances. I lose myself in Him, | trust Him and I let Him completely take over. I get to live in the sweet, soft, melting core of Him where nothing is a big deal, where nothing is scary or overwhelming, and where I get to snuggle day after day in restful, perfect love.

Nicky

Expect the unexpected

I've been thinking about expectations lately because I've had many come to nought this year, in fact when I come to think of it this isn't actually a recent phenomena but has been occurring my whole life!

I realise that life is full of them and they happen every day. I expect to go to work tomorrow, I expect to eat breakfast, meet a friend – normal, every day expectations that carry on their merry dance through our lives without us even noticing. But then there are the biggies , the ones that carry weight and that we pin our hopes on. The ones where we expect life to turn out a certain way and follow the neat path that we have carefully crafted in our mind. The ones we create that keep life safe, secure and happy. For me, these 'biggies' often grow out of brokenness and are rooted in fear, a lack of trust in Papa. In the past they have led me into disappointment, pain and frustration with Jesus. I now realise that they were never His plans in the first place yet I was quick to blame Him when they weren't met!

So many times over the past 18 months I expected to sell our house, to leave the country and visit new pastures. Each time my expectations have been dashed there has been a little more transformation in my heart. Each time I have yielded a little more to His ways rather than my own. I am learning to trust that His ways are perfect and mine are not even when I don't fully understand what He's up to. I am learning to let go of expectations in the little things and the big things and simply to trust.

This place is the life I'm seeking. It isn't about “whatever will be will be”,rather a relentless refusal to do things my way. It is the ability to flow with the Holy Spirit with my hand in His. To give Him all the space He wants to do with my life what He will and lead me where He knows is best in the day to day and in the biggies. It takes time. I am so good at creating my own expectations that to dismantle what is second nature takes dedication. It comes back to letting go, it comes back to trust, it comes back to love – His passionate, perfect, always good love to me. It feels as if this is big and and that if I remain willing and yielded there is something amazing out the other side. I'm learning that there is such freedom and joy in expecting the unexpected and letting Him take control. It always turns out better than any of my best plans and has a way of working out perfectly!

Nicky

xx

On the glory train to nowhere

Well here's our blog empty and waiting for news. I feel compelled to write this week so here goes. I'm not eloquent or gifted with words so feel free to read these ramblings or give up!

We were both hoping to pen our first blog entries from somewhere hot and beautiful but here I sit in our temporary home with Mike's mum and dad in Budleigh Salterton - blanket, hot water bottle, cold! Yet a lightness and joy of heart makes up for the coldness of body.

This particular part of our journey has been long, requiring much perseverance through trying circumstances. A house on the market for 18 months, our 4th buyer promising a quick sale that was meant to complete 2 weeks ago, but which has now been delayed by as much as 10 more weeks. We had felt it safe to investigate our 'round the world' tickets and were dreaming of Sri Lankan skies for Christmas with great friends. A bank account very much more than empty (one reason why we are now in Budleigh with parents!) and expectations dashed again.

So why a lightness and joy of heart?! I sit here so grateful for difficult circumstances that have brought us to this point. This whole process, the disappointment of failed house sales, of lost dreams and expectations have been the road that has led ever deeper into the burning heart of Jesus. With every obstacle and every tear comes a forward motion, yes may-be just a shuffle, an inch at a time, but forwards none the less. Trust, surrender, trust, surrender, trust, surrender, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle. A stripping of my thoughts and ways, give way to His. It would not have looked like this had I been in control. It would have been neat and ordered with some great testimony of victory and miraculous intervention. It would have been fireworks and trumpets and if I'm honest, just a little bit of glory for me. Yet I cannot put into words how wonderfully freeing this process is. How much lighter I feel giving up my rights and my wants to yield to the One who always knows what's best for me and loves me unceasingly.

I find I don't grasp as I used to to things that don't matter. I worry less, I don't need to be in control as much. I want to live free, free to be blown by the wind of the Spirit with the ability to bend and move like clay in the potters hands. I am intoxicated with His love for me like never before and I delight in drinking heavily on the new wine that He pours out. He is transforming me into a new wine skin - it doesn't look like I thought it would. It doesn't look particularly victorious and has no neat edges. It doesn't read like a fairy tale but the happy ending is Him, purely, simply, beautifully Him. He is all I need, all I long for, all that satisfies. As I have let go of me, there has been more room for Him. I am becoming addicted to 'letting go', letting go of all that is not at His instigation, all that is not of Him. In letting go I can fly unhindered, unencumbered and feel the exilhiration of free fall - woooosh!

So we are on the train to nowhere - the 'now' and the 'here'. Living each day with a hunger for His presence and breathing in as deeply as possible all that comes our way. Only Papa knows where we are headed and when we will get there - and right now that's enough. I want to enjoy the ride, enjoy the glory of Him and simply live in the peace that comes from knowing He has it all worked out.

Nicky xxx